Notes on Connection

It took me a long time to understand that keeping people at arm's length was a way to keep me safe. Relationships can be messy. And no matter how perfect a relationship appears on the exterior it does get messy behind closed doors. For Everyone.
I'm aware I do hope that one day I'll stop being human, you know, getting tired, hungry, angry and lonely, so that I'm only seen by my kindness, goodness and compassion, but that's not reality is it?!
I'm learning to allow for all the messy times by equipping myself with heartfelt apologies, even if I'm aware I'm "right", equipping myself with the knowledge I'm safe to make mistakes and to take risks, and finally having the courage to use my voice to speak up. And it's not easy.
My youngest son lives in part of the house and we manage to push each other's buttons very successfully. Sometimes, because of Aspergers, I take what he says literally. Okay, more often than not I do! And he's always joking around, and I forget! But we do sit down and sort things out when the emotions run high.
It's taken me many years to understand my mum was controlling because I just loved her so much. I'm also aware she carried a very, very deep soul wound, making her feel like she had to be in control at all times. I wonder if she understood how holding onto bitterness with her mum would affect her health would she have chosen to do the work to heal the wound?
I hope she would have. I look at the women in my family and see how the trauma impacted them, keeping them from having deep connections in the community and most of all to a deeply fulfilling life. Let's be the generation that begins to heal wounds handed down and live a life that is deeply connected.

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