Anxiety Attack, Depression, A New Gym


I don't think I can share this publicly just yet, as in FB Live, as I'm still working through the emotions of it all. Again, the depression trigger hit and in it's subtlety it takes awhile to recognise it as I don't feel down, I simply can't get everything done. That and I sleep increasingly longer amounts.

I joined a new gym yesterday. I was at a small one, now at a bigger one. I needed to grow. Once I realised the depression trigger was in play, I hauled myself to the new gym. And hands up everyone who knows the next part. (all of us)

Yep, major anxiety attack at the lockers just trying to work out how to get a lock on the locker door. I was furious. Not about the lock. I thought there was a chance the anxiety attack may happen, but seriously, over a lock? Well, the whole environment was new, so I get it.

Then the womens only room was full of teenagers from school. I had to get on an exercise bike in a massive room of electronic gym equipment. Anxiety is full blown, I can feel the freeze happening in my body, I'm perspiring, and I haven't begun working out.

I sit on the bike, work out the new electronics, and start deep breathing. I worked out if I did 30 secs fast and 30 secs slow I'd be able to break through the neurological trigger. It worked. Took around 10 minutes but I made it through. They had tvs on which helped with distraction.

At home I did 10 mins of Trauma Informed Movement. And that was all my body could take. I'm proud of me for pushing through and making it this far at a new gym. I will go again tomorrow. Depression is not winning this round.

However, the hard part, is the Shame. The shame that comes up, the feeling of defeat, that I failed. You know the drill. I felt so uncomfortable walking through the gym to get where I needed to be. I wanted to cry. Feeling less than because I have excess weight. Feeling like I'm being judged because of it. I hated being there. Hated it.

Yesterday when I signed up I was overjoyed. Today I could easily have walked away. I can't though if I want to be fully well. I thought about how I can believe I'm well if I'm functioning seeing clients and writing. But it's not enough. I want complete wellness to travel this world, share my story and do my part for others too.

Ultimately, my short term goal is to be able to attend one of their in house classes, they have lots. I'm aware it's going to take time and training my brain that I'm safe in this new environment. I will however make it happen as I want ALL of my life back, not just some of it.

** I'm beginning to put pieces into place when it comes to the depression trigger. It's so subtle and hard to recognise when it happens. For me, it's what's not happening in my life that helps me to see that my neurological wiring is triggered. As I see what is not happening i.e. not able to do as much as normal, avoiding doing things around the home i.e. dishes, having a shower (I'll do it later), and so on, that I can begin to hone in on when it does happen.
It's going to take time, but I will eventually get to the place when I can recognise it a lot quicker.

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