Am I Wrong to Protect Him from Me?
by Linda Meredith
This question really stirred me on a number of levels, and the answer isn't cut and dried, black and white. The answer is found in multiple levels, depending on our experiences in life and our place in our recovery to remission journey.
Personally I don't believe there's a right or wrong about this situation because it involves Complex Ptsd. The answer is found in our individual experiences and what we personally need to next understand, be equipped for and grow into.
When we look at the question from where am I next growing into in my life, the answer becomes different to yes, keep him at arms length until you've got yourself sorted. Or perhaps, no, you need to jump in and sort out the emotions along the way.
The answer actually lies in asking questions of ourselves. Questions that require us to self reflect and know ourselves well. I recently said to my Pastor that I'm not sure I'm meant to be married because of everything that Complex Ptsd entails. The last marriage nearly killed me, so I'd have to be super careful and aware of who I let that close.
I have to know what my limits are in a relationship and have developed my voice loud enough that I can speak up and let my partner know we need to talk. I have to know I'm mentally, emotionally and physically healthy enough for a relationship and most important of all is my heart full to overflowing so that I'm not giving from a heart that's not healed.
Another side is do I understand the differences in how men and women communicate, have I developed a maturity in being able to forgive, do I know myself well enough to see characteristics that may disrupt a relationship and am I prepared to own them?
When we go into a relationship/marriage/partnership it magnifies our issues. Literally making every wound larger, for both of us. Have both of us matured in our walk enough to be able to sit with each other through life's storms without needing to rush in and mend things? To sit in the silence and know that despite the pain love and respect is what keeps us connected.
True love is a dance between two souls, a rollercoaster ride through the ups and downs in life, a balancing act when done well the couple emit love and laughter from their very core. Am I there yet? No. Are you there yet? Is he there yet? Only both of you will have the answers according to your own life experiences.
Take all the time in the world to know what you know. The best relationships have a basis of solid friendship first and they take their time to get to know each other. Not a year, not 2 years but more. So you can see the trajectory of someones life. It's easy to believe in someone when you've only known them a short time. It's over time that true character is revealed. Both ours and theirs.
When I look back over my life I can see how the decision to be with someone is the easy part. We're a long time unhappy when we aren't equipped to make healthy decisions. Take all the time you need. Above all else remember this, you are a beautiful soul and as you blossom your light will shine greater. Will he be able to stand with you when you shine too?