A Frozen Mind
Yesterday Complex Trauma kept on giving. I never fail to be surprised when the one next thing pops up to be addressed. Last week I was so excited because I could feel my feet, feel my feet in shoes. The irony being that we don't know we can't feel them until we can.
Back to yesterday. Technology through a spanner in the works and disrupted all my efforts to my FB live. There was no quick solution as America hadn't woken up for Monday morning as yet. I knuckled down and got into my signature course, aiming for release in 2 weeks.
I opened all the files, had everything spread across the computer in front me, excited to be putting the vision into a different type of teachable product. Then I came to this unexpected, abrupt stop. Like, what the?
Scanning my body, I could not sense any tight muscles. I wasn't frozen nor having an anxiety attack, there was no depression trigger happening wanting me to fall instantly asleep. Sitting quietly, looking at my work, I couldn't get the pieces to come together in an order.
That's when I realised. Whatever had triggered me was subtle. And it could have been anything. The part effected this time was my mind. I could literally feel that my mind was frozen and wasn't functioning in an order. It was a quite bizarre feeling. But then what about Complex Trauma resembles any sense of normalcy?
I've come to experience, to understand, that coming off decades of "frozen" off decades off Hypoarousal, isn't a one size, one layer, fits all and all circumstances. It's been a slow, committed, consistent change of my internal system. The internal Apps are all slowly but surely coming back online.
There has never been a time when I've consciously thought I could love this life. I've been grateful for my life, but to love this life with all its hardship and challenges has been an incredible journey. To love that I'll still face challenges with each step out further into my journey helps me to remember to laugh and to bring that laughter and love to all who stand in need. To ALL who need to know they are loved and needed here, now, today. And you are.
Blessings and dreams,